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Hot Water Bottle/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: And now it's time to meet the man who makes this all possible, that includes signing the paychecks but not going as far to get t-shirts printed up or anything like that. Anyway, here he is, the star of the show and -- and my uncle, which is to say my father's brother, and that part's true. I-I should probably say that. It's very much so true. Here he is, the star of the show -- mr. Red green! Hello, and, uh, thank you all for tuning in when, uh, you know, there are so many worthwhile things you could be doing with your life. You know, not everybody can say that. Harold, come on over here a minute. Harold is the announcer/producer/director and the star's nephew of the show here. And, also, I get to, like, control all the visual effects. Watch this. [ laughs ] aren't kids something? I don't have any myself. Yeah, you should have been up at the lodge yesterday. Uh, buster hatfield got all the guys to take off their socks and shoes and have a game of lawn darts. You know, he loves contact sports. But, you know, we've been all kind of safety-conscious since we had that methane explosion when, uh, stinky peterson dropped a cigarette down the two-holer. That scared the bunch of us, especially stinky. Luckily, he was sitting down. But, you know, uh, buster loves danger. I'd say danger's his middle name. It's ukrainian or something. Wow, that's a great story, uncle red, but, you know, let's move on to the next segment. [ laughs ] well, I'm not finished with the story, harold. Oh, no? Well, that's -- that's an excellent point, but maybe just don't give it all to the viewers right now. Hold some back. You know, that's all I'm saying. Well, you're the producer. Yeah, and while they're awaiting the conclusion of your story, we'll show them something that's not, like, so...Boring. Stand back! You know, harold, you're gonna hurt yourself on that thing one day. Do you really think so? I'm gonna make sure of it. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there once was a girl in my high school ♪ ♪ the prettiest girl in class ♪ ♪ she had the nicest auburn hair ♪ ♪ but there's no way that this line's gonna rhyme ♪ ♪ I wanted so bad to take her out ♪ ♪ I thought my heart would burst ♪ ♪ but once I saw her father's biceps ♪ ♪ I was afraid he'd take me out first ♪ this week in the "handyman corner," we're gonna talk about something unpleasant but necessary, and I don't mean kissing your grandmother. If you're like me and you own a full set of power tools, you probably think about death a lot, and you know them funeral parlors can just charge whatever they want. And, I mean, they call their customers stiffs. The coffin alone's gonna cost you $2,000 or $3,000, or what you can do is pick up a broken freezer cheap and make your own. If you're the romantic type, you and the missus can go together in one of them side-by-side refrigerator/freezer units. So, once you got your freezer, then you just pick out the finish that you want on it. You can have oak or pine or mahogany or, in fact, uh, anything that's available in the mactac line. And for about 20 bucks worth, it's gonna look just beautiful. If you've never mactac'ed before, this is an ideal learner's project, because when people see it, they're gonna be looking at it through a veil of tears, and then later, it's gonna be six feet under. So, open her up, and, uh -- open her up, throw in a hunk of, uh, fun fur for your lining... And you're, uh, ready to put on the coffin handles. Just use a little bit of the handyman's secret weapon on that -- duct tape. These are actually, uh, towel racks, and they're cheap, but they look good, and when you think about it, there's kind of a subtle tie-in to the occasion because you are throwing in the towel. Now, what about a headstone? Do you have to go the big dollar for the marble or the granite? Uh, I don't think so. What about something like this? Remember this from a few weeks ago? This is a toilet tank. It was originally our ceramic, portable beverage cooler. But it makes a dandy little headstone, and we just put these peel-and-stick letters on. A lot cheaper than engraving. And, uh, these are actually designed for a mailbox, but when you think about it, this is your new address. Anyway, you get the idea. You can do something like this that's cheap, and it's just that easy. So, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Harold, I got something for you here. Uh, we're gonna take a break for some commercial messages right now, but when we come back, I'll finish the story about the hot-water bottle. Or you could just do the story while we're at commercials. That would work, too. [ thunder crashes ] "it is spring. "at night, the air is clear. "you can hear the distant howl of wolves. "the sound pierces the night, "sends shivers up your spine, puts nerves on edge. "the language is different, "but we woodsmen know the message, "the sad and lonely wail that says, 'I haven't had sex all winter.'" so, uh, as I was saying, uh, buster hatfield really likes dangerous games. You know, I mean, he's -- he's not happy unless he's risking his life. Actually, with his clumsiness and all, uh, he's happy most of the time, but, uh, you know what he wanted us to do? He wanted all the guys to try to blow up one of them hot-water bottles until it exploded. He'd seen a wrestler do it on one of them educational programs. So, anyway, we gave her a try. We made stinky peterson go last, 'cause nobody wanted to put their lips on it after stinky had, you know. Uh, old man sedgwick went first, and, god, he was blowing and blowing and blowing, and nothing was happening, and then he turned to the side, and we could see that his lung was coming right out his ear there. Uncle red, some viewers have a sensitive stomach. Yeah, that was moose thompson's problem. You're getting ahead of me there, harold. Uncle red, why don't we just cue up the next segment? We can listen to some more stories about your friends inflating their organs at a later date. Cue up things in three, two, one... Go! I've lost control of my own show. Bob. Shh! Fore! I'm sorry. I was distracting you. Sorry, bob. You're right. I won't count that, uh, stroke. Yeah. Okay, well, uh, bob, I have a question for you. I know it's your day off and everything. [ scoffs ] day off? [ laughs ] I wish. No, today's a workday like any other day, red. Well, you know, I just saw you golfing here, and I didn't realize the department of natural resources paid people to play golf, you know. Oh. Oh, this. No, no, no. I'm doing government work. I'm, uh... I'm measuring trees. Uh, yeah. They've got me out measuring, uh, you know, birches, maples, stuff like that. It's, uh, just to check their, uh, growth rate, you know, for, uh, future planning. Oh, yeah. Let's see. That was, uh, 35 centimeters. 35 centimeters. I did about a 40 on that last hole. Makes the trees five over par. What is par on the course here? Red maple. Oh. Well, uh, anyway, uh, bob, we, uh -- we had a -- we had a little problem up at the lodge, and I wanted to talk to you about it if you got a minute. You know, I'd just like to... Yeah, yeah. What? Oh, yeah. [ clears throat ] [ bird chirping ] what the hell was that? That was a bird, wasn't it? Fore! I missed it again! Yeah, well, I'm in there again. I think I was distracting you. I think that's -- I would chalk that one up to... Yeah, I would-- I wouldn't count that shot, either. No, absolutely not. Uh, anyway, what I want -- what happened was we had -- got into a truck and tractor pull kind of by accident up at the lodge. Like, what happened was that stinky peterson and moose thompson got their vehicles -- the truck and the tra-- locked together, 'cause he backed up, and then they hitch-caught, and they started going like so, and then, before you knew it, they cleared a lot of trees out. Shh! [ crow caws ] shh! Fore! I missed it again! [ laughs ] can you believe that? Three whiffers in a row! Yeah. Three of -- I've never seen that. Have you seen that? Oh, that's funny. That is really funny. [ laughs ] oh, wait till the guys in the lodge hear that. They'll -- they'll laugh! Because that is a riot! They will laugh! Yeah, yeah. Unless, of course, nobody tells them. Oh, uh, well, again, here, I just -- I think -- I think I'm throwing you off. I would just not -- I would just not count that. You're right. Yeah, I won't count that. Yeah, fair is fair. Yeah, yeah. So, anyway, I thought, you know, since we've got this whole underbrush gone behind the lodge and you being with natural resources and you being a lodge member, you could get us some seedlings or -- shh! Fore! Oh. Yes! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Yeah. [ sighs ] I guess that tree there is the next one I'm gonna measure. Yeah. What about the seedlings? I could use ferns or -- oh, yeah. No problem. Okay, great. Appreciate it. I really appreciate it. [ grunting ] one! [ grunting ] two! Is 200 enough? [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ Saturday night, when the sun goes down ♪ ♪ that's when the boys all gather around ♪ ♪ they come and ask me, as nice as you please ♪ ♪ if I'll entertain them with my old trick knees ♪ ♪ I snap them, I pop them ♪ ♪ they crunch and they crack ♪ ♪ I slip off the caps and slide them 'round the back ♪ ♪ all the boys, they just love it ♪ ♪ I feel 10 feet tall ♪ ♪ you know, if it wasn't for my arthritis ♪ ♪ we wouldn't have any fun at all ♪ oh, uncle red, you better hurry up. Get the old lead out, 'cause we got lots of mail to answer today. There sure is a whole bunch of them. We better just jump right in and answer them right away, you know, get right in at it. Maybe I'll just do that. I can read them first, and then you can answer them. That will work. I'll just do that. Okay. "dear red, is it just me or has the whole world gone screwy?" it's both. Interesting. "dear red, as a feminist, "I wonder if you feel that men "will be able to overcome their baser instincts "and their social preprogramming "and treat women as equals as human beings "and as whether the sexes can, in fact, cooperate "and respect each other's differences "while avoiding prejus-- "pre-- pre-- prejudging the other's talents and/or abilities." yeah. Okay. "dear red, what kind of lure do you use for picarel?" all right, I use a spinner, mepps number 7, if I'm, uh, trolling in daylight with the sun and no cloud. If you have cloud, then I go with a number 3 or sometimes a number 4, 'cause you can go deep with those, and they still pick up enough light to give that natural shimmer that the picarel really go for. If it's night trolling that we're talking about, uh, I go with a number 1 with double hooks on it, which I had actually custom-made for myself by a jeweler right here in town. Uh, last weekend in may, maybe two years ago, I was picarel fishing on lake scugog, and I, uh -- I hooked into a beauty. It was about 14 pounds, 21 inches of fish, and I got her in there with, uh, I think it was a 40-pound test line with a metal leader on it. [ laughs ] we certainly hit a nerve there. Okay, final letter, uncle red. "dear red, I like fishing, but I cannot abide hunting. "my wife, on the other hand, sees no difference between them "and says that both are a form of murder "and that we as a civilization will have to leave them behind "if we are to survive as a species ourselves. "I think her neo-buddhist theories "are simply untenable and oversimplistic in the extreme. Do you agree?" yeah. That's it? Yeah. Well, we -- we have time if you want to expand on your answers, uncle red. Well, all right. Uh, that day that I caught the picarel, I'd been fishing deep all day, two, three feet off the bottom. I was ready to pack it in... Red: Bill had invited me to come out behind the lodge, and we were gonna fool around, do a little bit of archery. Uh, I think maybe, you know, he should have waited until I got there, but, uh, on the other hand, uh... You know, all things being considered, I'm kind of glad that I didn't walk back there. Yeah, that's a nice treat. Thank you, bill. And, uh, he hit the rad real good there. Uh, I believe that was actually a new hole. I wasn't too happy. But he was fine. He got his arrow back. Anyway, uh, he sticks a target up, and, uh, the idea is this is what we're gonna try and hit, the two of us. Now, bill's a bit of an expert on, uh, bow and arrow, and I've -- I've never -- never done anything with that, but he told me, "now, you put this thing on. It's called a quiver," which is something that you do when you're around bill and he has a bow and arrow, believe me. And he showed me how to hold it and everything, and I think a lot of times it's easier to, uh -- maybe to do something than to show somebody, you know. And then you get the arrow out of there. And, you know, I'm kind of a robin hood. Now, bill was having a few problems. Uh, bill? Bill? So, I just, uh... Bill? Bill, you want to just, uh... Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. All right, so, uh, we're all set up there, and -- oh, no. Uh, that was good of him to show me some of the things that can go wrong when you're -- oh, look at that, now. And then they seem to have a mind of their own, some of these arrows, I guess. Me, just being a beginner, I didn't have these problems. That wasn't a bad shot. And we were pretty darn -- pretty darn proud of ourselves. That's, uh -- that's not bad, you know. [ clears throat ] oh, bill. Bill took a -- bill took a hit here. Golly. Golly, that -- ohh. And that shirt, uh -- that shirt will never -- oh, look out. Oh. That is so dangerous. Um, I don't know what you call that. And then this -- oh. This is what happens to a lot of middle-aged men, apparently. Some sort of -- oh, that won't work, bill. Now, just as we were -- he's gonna show me a practical ap-- there goes a -- and he can just -- he showed me how to hunt with one of these, and he's just following the flight of the bird, kind of. And now, this, to me -- this was a mistake. I don't care what bill says. He was more interested in the bird. I was watching that arrow, 'cause it went straight up, and then, of course, what it did then was come, uh, pretty well straight down. [ clears throat ] oh, boy. We got her out of there. He was fine. Till he got a big -- now, he wanted me to light this arrow, and we just couldn't quite coordinate. I think I was -- that didn't strike -- no, that was wrong. That was definitely wrong. So I thought I'd light it first, and we may have put the stuff on a little heavy, you know. We just -- of course, this is retrospect again, you know. And then -- well, that's not -- thank you, bill. I don't -- I think he went to get some w-- yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh, you missed it, bill. Uh, so, now we're starting to light the lodge field on fire, and, uh, bill picks it up. Now, his solution is the stick in the bucket, which I think had water in it, and then he just throws it in the -- well, that was great. Thank you, bill. Thank you. "it is summer. "you hear the pure joy in their laughter outside your window. "you watch them out on the lawn, "running through your sprinkler -- "a half dozen middle-aged men, naked. It must be happy hour at the legion." uncle red, when -- when you were in school, did you have gym class? I think so. Those seven years are a little blurry. Why? Well, I don't get the point of it. I mean, other than to give people an opportunity to flick naked flesh with a towel -- an opportunity that does not come up in math or history class -- who needs gym? That's, uh, part of your education, harold. You know, it, uh, prepares you for life. Oh, pbht, what does gym class really prepare you for? You show me one chief executive officer who got to the position he's in because he was good at dodgeball. Where would we be? Where would be if henry ford decided to play field hockey and eventually went into coaching and finally into broadcasting? Where would we be? Oh, yes. Okay, I know what you're thinking, uncle red. There's a lot of good russian gymnasts. But have you ever driven a lada? What's your point, harold? Well, I was hoping maybe you wouldn't mind phoning my dad and getting me excused from gym for the rest of the year, especially before we have that dance class with the girls next week. Think about it, you know. We'll be right back with, uh, more of the same. Even more so, and good. Red: Yeah, it's a great day for fishing, hap, and that's why we are. Mind you, we got no way of telling if the fish are biting. Not unless we were in a submarine. Well, that's gonna be a tough one, hap. I don't think the launch ramp at the marina could take the weight. No, this is freshwater. When I was in the navy, we stayed in saltwater oceans. [ sighs ] the deepest parts -- chasms and the trenches. I didn't know you were in the navy, hap. What year was that? Oh, that's classified. Military secret. It was at the height of the cold war I joined the undersea service. Submarines, or, as we used to call them, subs. Six months without seeing sunlight, undersea in a nuclear sub, playing cat and mouse with the russkies. I didn't think there were any nuclear subs in the canadian navy, hap. That's why I joined the american navy. That's where the action was. Nuclear subs, long as three football fields. Would that be american football fields or canadian? Oh, that's -- that's classified. I used to work in the engine room. I was a stoker, stoking that nuclear fuel. Well, you know, hap, I-I think they just use the stokers on those coal-powered ships. [ laughs ] red, you can't -- you can't burn coal underwater. The water would come down the chimney and put the fire out. No, this was nuclear fuel -- uranium 287. I'd fling open the door on that nuclear furnace and shovel in a heap of uranium, close the door. You mean to say, hap, you just had piles of uranium lying around and you just would scoop that up? Well, didn't have to use a lot. One shovelful would power a sub for...Two months. And I wore lead pants. I had 400-pound trousers. They had to weld the fly shut. Well, what happened when you had to go to the bathroom? See, that's -- that's top secret. Yeah, I'll bet. Yeah, we had to be cleared. I'll tell you, we had a few casualties. Well, you know, hap, they say that, in war, the first casualty is the truth. Yeah. Well, uh, buster finally got his chance to blow up the hot-water bottle, and, god, you know, he did real well. But he got it inflated to the point where it had filled up the den and it was actually spilling out into the lobby here. He had his arms and his legs wrapped around it there, and, yeah, he was determined he was gonna explode the thing, you know, but it never got that far because it unfortunately caught on one of the antlers which punctured a little hole in there, and, god, the air come out some fast that the whole rig blew out the side door and skipped down the lake with buster hanging on for dear life. You know, it's not every day you get to see a man riding a 15-foot rubber bladder. No harm done, though, 'cause, I mean, it petered out way before it got to the falls. Buster just swam back. But now the whole area smells like buster's breath. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home tonight, and, yes, I am bringing the tv guide. So, uh, thanks to all of you for tuning us in, and until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.